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 ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~

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super3deffect
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PostSubject: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:01 am

Post your favorite jokes, just make sure they are funny not offensive.


What is blue but smells like red paint?
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Blue paint.
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:11 am

Not.... offensive????? Sad




A man walks into a bar

he says: ouch








an priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
after a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "i know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?
the Rabbi said, "i must tell the truth. yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
the priest replied, "yes, i know what you're going to ask. i have succumbed once or twice."
there was silence for a while. then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"



dont drive and lissen to that joke for the frist time, i almost went of the road...
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:18 am

Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?
A: He blew off his penis.
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:20 am

What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 11:41 am

That last one was fantastic ^^
The only one I can think of off the top of my head is:
An electron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replies, "For you sir? No charge."

Yeah! Science! *High fives self*

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:04 pm

Hmmm, that should've been a neutron (neutral, no charge) I guess, anyway still funny.

What does Margaret Tatcher's tombstone say? "Rust in peace"

Mum to her daughter: "I heard you were spotted kissing with a guy in the supermarket yesterday, from now on I will do the groceries."
Daughter: "It's no use, mum, he promised me he would only kiss me."

A: "Have you heard that mister Johnson has been put in jail for 2 months for foul play?"
B: "I told you he should have quit the piano ages ago!"

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:21 pm

An Italian, French and Indian went to England in interview and they want to do a sentence with three main words yellow, green and pink.

1. The first one was the Italian :

(I wake up in the morning and I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think about my self and I hope it will be pink day....)

2. The next was the French :

( I wake up in the morning and I eat the yellow banana, the green pepper and I watch the pink panther on the TV....)

3. The last one was the Indian :

(I wake up in the morning I hear the phone "green green" and I pink up the phone and I say yellow.
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:24 pm

An Indian(like from India) is walking through the forest with his English teacher while the teacher points to and names objects. He points to a tree and says, "tree" the Indian repeats, "tree". They walk a little further and the teacher points to a rock and says, "rock" and the Indian repeats, "rock". They walk a little farther still and they come across a couple having sex, the Indian says, "how you say that?" the teacher, a tad embarrassed, says, "uuhh that's a bicycle." The Indian proceeds to run over, pick up the guy from the ground and beat him senseless. The teacher, surprised, runs over and manages to pull the Indian off of the man. He says," why did you do that? do you know this man?" the Indian responds, "No, I don't know the man, but he was riding my bicycle!"
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:51 pm

Surely the woman would've been riding the bicycle? Wink

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:55 pm

A Dutchman, A Frenchman and a Brit fly over Europe with an aeroplane, all are blind.
The Frenchman opens the door and lowers his arm and states: "We're currently flying over Paris, I can feel the Eiffel Tower."
Somewhat later the Brit does the same thing, lowering his arm and exclaiming: "We're now above London, this surely is the top of Big Ben."
A tad later the Dutchman lowers his arm, pulls it back up and says with confidence "We're above Amsterdam now".
Both the Frenchman and Brit are surprised and ask: "How do you know that? Amsterdam doesn't have a high tower to speak off."
The Dutchy replies by saying: "My watch is missing."

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 3:26 pm

A swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The norwegian suggested that the swede let the air out of the tires. The swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top."

Two norwegians were telling swedish jokes. "Do you know how to save a swede from drowning?" the one said. "No," his friend said after a little while. The first norwegian grinned, "Oh, That`s good."

A swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time.
As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on the highway.
"ONE?" the swede yells out, "there are several hundred of them out there!"



Sadly these seems to be just old jokes with the country men just exable.
.... i wounder how many jew jokes i can get away with?


Jacob Levy had just finished his loan collecting for the week and had done very well, so he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well known brothel.
The madam said "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."
Jacob decided to spend $10 and have a really good time.
More than 20 years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognised the redhead who was now a madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Suddenly a huge youngster of about 20 years old appeared and called out "Mum, is this guy bothering you?"
"No,No," said the madam, "In fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."
"What?", said John, "This little Jewish man is my father?", to which Jacob replied "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous you would have been a chinaman!"


Edit
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun Apr 14, 2013 6:25 pm

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:41 pm

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Mon Apr 15, 2013 5:14 pm

A guy applied to join a nudist club.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy,"...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... you've had two warnings!"
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:33 pm

A man from stockholm (our capital) moves into the wilderness to get away from the city, his only neighbour is a lapp that lives a couple of miles away from him. he does not meet him for months but one day the lapp visits the man.
Lapp: Hello, im trowing together a welcome party for you if you want to come
the man thinks that, yes this sounds rather well and nods in agreement
lapp: but i have to warn you, there will be lot of alchohol
the man shines up because he havent been drinking in some time and he was used to drink alot
lapp: and there will lots of sex
the man perks up even more at this, he havent had any in quite some time. and then he asks
man: how many will there be?
lapp: just you and me
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:59 pm

So, when Germany invaded Poland back in WW2, the polish infantry didn't have enough guns for everyone. So the guy handing out the weapons says to the new soldier, "The Germans are scared of us. Just point your finger at them like a pistol and yell BANG, and they'll think you shot them and die."

The soldier goes to the trenches, not really sure what to do, when the Germans start coming in. The soldier hides as best as he can but at some point he can't hide no longer. What does he do, well he tries that trick and points his finger at the nearest German and shouts "BANG". And sure enough, the German grabs his chest and falls down. "That went pretty well" says the polish soldier, when suddenly another German comes running at him. So he yells "BANG" again, and the other German dies, too.

Now the soldier looks out of the trench, and he sees three Germans in the distance. "Damn that's to far, I need a rifle". So he pulls up his arms and makes like he is holding a rifle, and he yells "kaPOW" like a rifle does. And guess what, one of the Germans far back falls down. "Great let's do that again. kaPOW!" and one of the remaining two Germans that are now coming towards him dies. "Well, third one will be as easy, kaPOW!" the polish thinks. But the German does not die, he keeps coming at him. "kaPOW! kaPOW!", the polish yells, and then "BANG, BANG, BANG". But no use, the German keeps running. He is now running right at him, now he is over him and tramples and stomps and walks the Polish to dead. And the last thing that polish soldier ever heard was the German saying "Panzer. Panzer. Panzer. Panzer..."
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:10 pm

(thats was funny!. And now prof on how boring my work is)

why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!! #

why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you ask? You are some kind of stazi? #

great fun indeed......
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Tue Apr 30, 2013 8:13 pm

Haha, when I read that and noticed the german soldier didn't die, I assumed him to be deaf.

Why is it a terrible plan to drive a blue car in the Netherlands? Those Dutchies build dykes around everything blue. (Probably worse than the chicken-joke)
Also on my quest to find more Dutchmen-jokes, I found the following which I found to be extremely funny, foreign, observations on us.
  • When it comes to what books to bring to Holland, I would advise the following:The complete works of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound part of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (part Fr to He of the 1913 edition). Both books have about the proper weight to keep a pushy pimp or dealer away from you with a well aimed swing. After this I would advice you to drop the book since this greatly improves your speed during your getaway. Make sure you bring enough books.
  • Don't ever try to eat 'drop'. (Dutch Licorice) Drop is a sort of candy that can only be eaten by Hollanders. It can be recognized by the colour: black. The taste is a blend between earwax and paint (black). Hollanders absolutely adore the stuff and eat many kilo's of it. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners that were made to believe the stuff is actually edible.
  • Don't buy wooden shoes. They will look completely ridiculous. Which is the reason they will try to sell them to you. A Hollander himself would not want to be found dead wearing them.(Preferably a Hollander doesn't want to be found dead at all).
  • It is not necessary to fake interest for tulips, mills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows you came for the soft drugs and the Amsterdam red-light district. Both are widely spread and easy to find. Just ask any Hollander over age 6 or a French tourist.
  • Dutch hate to spend a penny and want everything for free, the story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.
  • Related: Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. Nonsense. They just make too much money selling drugs and Malaysian women, to miss the opportunity to make so much profit.
  • There is a fast and foolproof way of embarrassing yourself in Holland.Enter a coffeeshop and ask for a cappuccino with a biscuit. Coffeeshops -remember this- do not sell coffee. They do however have a large variety of stimulating products at reasonable prices. For unknown reasons, coffeeshops are very popular amongst young French tourists. (I really have to test this once we have Frenchies over)

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Tue Apr 30, 2013 8:42 pm

Want to hear a funny joke?
British politics!

"My wife is going on holiday for a week."
"Really? Where to?"
"Alaska."
"Why don't you know where your wife is going on holiday?"

Have you seen that Tower in France? It's an Eiffel!

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Wed May 01, 2013 8:44 am

Whaha, those jokes really just work for some accents uh? They were way more funny when I read them out in a Frankie Boyle voice Razz

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Wed May 01, 2013 8:55 pm

A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats...

The Irishman builder quotes £500,000....
"How did arrive at that figure?" asked the contractor....
" £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials.

The Scotish builder quotes £600,000...
£300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials.

The Jewsh builder quotes £1 millon....
The contractor sais "how did arrive at that figure?"
"Easy" sais the Jewish builder " £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me.... and we will get the Irishman to do the job



A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir, how are you today?
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely' she countered. Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , 'he answered' and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy cats?

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that was what I wanted?'

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Thu May 16, 2013 2:33 pm

an overly drunk man is lead home by a sober friend # drunk man: i should not had that last one. # his sober friend awnsers dryly: you should not had the first one to begin with. # the drunk man thinks for a while and then awnsers : you are right! From now on i will only have those in between!
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sat May 18, 2013 11:21 am

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Sun May 26, 2013 2:13 pm

A woman is sitting in a coffee shop, drinking a cup and reading the morning newspaper. She happens to glance up and out of the window as a man walks past. The man smiles at her, and she smiles back, and she watches him as he walks past the shop. A few seconds later though, he comes back and goes into the coffee shop and says to the woman, "Excuse me, but have you fallen out of Heaven?"
The woman, obviously flattered, blushes and says "No, why do you ask?"
The man, still grinning, says "Because your face is pretty f*cked up."

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PostSubject: Re: ~~~~JOKE OF THE DAY ~~~~   Mon May 27, 2013 9:39 am

There's a band called 1023mb. They haven't had any gigs yet.
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